Using Working Models to Understand Relationship Conflict

Yes, I know. Terms like working models make relationships sound mechanical and cold. People are too complicated and interesting to be placed in rigid confines like this, right?

After dozens of conversations, I’ve found that putting titles to these mechanics is incredibly helpful in explaining why conflicts happen. More importantly, it helps both sides understand the complex relational dynamics better and opens a path for resolution. For the hyper-rational, many have found seeing the tangible cause-and-effect nature of this thinking helpful in learning how to create emotional space for their partners. For the emotionally fluent, many have found it a good framework to explain where they are coming from and start more open conversations with their partner. 

In this article, I’ll discuss how we can understand working models better and how that can help improve communication and conflict resolution.

What are Working Models?

In attachment theory, a working model is an internalized mental representation that we hold of ourselves and others. Individually, this represents the extent to which we believe we deserve love and support. With others, it represents how others are seen “as reliable, responsive, and trustworthy in meeting one’s attachment needs”. Another way to put it, it is “our basic belief system when it comes to romantic relationships – what gets you going, what shuts you down, your attitudes and expectations. In short, what makes you tick in relationships” (Levine and Heller, 2010). 

Think about the last time you had a conflict with your partner, did you feel a jolt of anxiety that caused a big emotional reaction? Did you shut down? Did your emotions seem to have a life of its own? What about your partner? Did it seem like they were responding in a way greater than what the situation warranted? Many times in these situations, we aren’t purely reacting to what is in front of us, but we are reacting from an almost subconscious place based on our internalized beliefs about relationships. In other words, we are reacting from our working model. 

Why Should You Understand Working Models?

Understanding that these working models exist is a great first step in helping to improve relationship dynamics. Our past informs our belief system. Relationships are emotionally charged areas of our lives where we are especially susceptible to having long-held beliefs, whether rightly or wrongly, show up and overwhelm us. It’s hard enough to manage the day-to-day challenges of being in a relationship. It’s even harder when you consider that each person comes with a belief system that could clash with the other.

For example, one partner might have grown up in a chaotic household and sees having a clean home as a source of calm. On the other hand, the other partner might’ve grown up in a strict household with inconsistent parents where being told to clean was an act of punishment. One now believes cleanliness to be a sign of calm while for the other being told to clean is a sign of wrongdoing. Now living together, one’s need for cleaning and the other’s reaction to being told to clean could cause continual conflict without either knowing that it comes from a clash of belief systems. 

To use working models to improve communication and manage conflict in your relationship, you can follow the following steps to enhance your understanding of yourself and your partner. 

Step 1. Dial Into Relational Self-Awareness to Understand Your Working Models

To understand how working models could affect our relationships, we must first gain a sense of relational self-awareness. The relationship expert, Dr. Alexandra Solomon from Northwestern University, coined the term relational self-awareness to describe “the ability to deeply understand yourself in the context of your intimate relationships.” With working models, relational self-awareness means getting curious about our belief system around relationships, seeing where it comes from, and accepting the role it plays in how we interact with our partner. 

To understand your working model, tap into your relational self-awareness and answer the following questions:

1. Think about situations in your relationship that have caused a major emotional reaction from you. Were there particular moments that either caused you to feel anxious or shut down when you were interacting with your partner? 
2. Can you identify the internal beliefs, either about yourself or your partner, that could be causing these reactions? Probe your relationships with the most important figures of your past and examine your memories to see where these beliefs might have come from. 
3. In what ways have these beliefs led to conflict in your relationship?
4. What would your relationship look like if you had a more appropriate reaction to these conflicts?

Have your partner complete these questions well. This will allow both sides to level-set and create a starting point to have a conversation about navigating conflict. 

Step 2. Have a Conversation with Your Partner

With your partner, discuss what you learned about yourself during Step 1. A few things you might want to consider when having this conversation.

For the conversation:

1. Make sure you are both rested and in a good mental space before having this conversation.
2. Find a private space to have this conversation where you won’t be interrupted.
3. Give yourselves at least 30 minutes to have this conversation. 
4. Plan something nice for after the conversation so you have something nice to look foward to. 

When you are the sharer:

1. This will be an incredibly vulnerable conversation. Make sure to treat yourself with grace and care when you are sharing.
2. Share what you are comfortable with. Some uncomfortable memories and thoughts could come up when you are going through Step 1. I would encourage you to share as you feel comfortable doing so and after you’ve had time to process it. 
3. Be mindful not to shame or blame your partner when sharing. This conversation is about giving each side an opportunity to share where they are coming from and why they might react to specific interactions in a certain way. The goal is not to attack the other. 

When you are the listener:

1. Resist the temptation to jump in and interrupt your partner when they are sharing. At times you might want to comfort them or add your thoughts. Let them finish before speaking. 
2. Practice your empathy and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Try to understand where they are coming from and why something that might seem inconsequential to you could feel a lot greater to them. 

End the conversation by reaffirming that you are both on the same team and have the mutual goal of making the relationship work. Trust me, this step is important. 

Step 3. Reflect on what You’ve Learned About Each Other’s Working Model and Debrief

Reflect on what you’ve learned about each other and what that means for your relationship. Think about the ways your working models could be causing conflict and how it could be improved. Here are some prompts for you to reflect on. 

1. What did the conversation with your partner teach you about yourself?
2. What effect has your working model had on your partner?
3. What effect has your partner’s working model had on you?
4. What are some conflicts caused by a clash of working models?
5. What can you do to make your partner feel more secure the next time they become more anxious or shut down during a relationship conflict?
6. What can your partner do to make you feel more secure the next time you become more anxious or shut down during a relationship conflict?

When you and your partner are ready, go through these questions together and discuss ways you can support each other more during your next conflict. 

Step 4. Create a System To Manage Conflict 

The next time you are facing relationship conflict, consider how working models could be influencing behaviours. It also helps to put some structure in place to help you get ahead of some of the conflict. 

1. Have a regular check-in: The Gottman Institute recommends doing weekly check-ins with you partner. You can decide what intervals make sense to you. I’ve found having these check-ins is incredibly valuable in solving conflicts and proactively de-escalating conflicts before they blow up. The check-in provides a preset time and place for you to have hard conversations. This allows for both sides to prepare and no one is caught by surprise. Furthermore, it ensures that hard conversations don’t just happen when someone is at a breaking point, which helps to prevent emotions from overpowering the conversation. 
2. Put habits in place: There are going to be some conflicts that reoccur constantly based on activating working models. For example, one partner might want more regular communication during the day while the other might be faced with a busy workday that doesn’t allow for time to be spent on constant texting and calling. Consider putting in habits, like preset text messages or designated times for chats, where one partner’s emotional needs are met while the other doesn’t need to be taken away from their work for too long. The goal is to help find a solution that works for both sides.
3. Respect the pause: This won’t be always possible but consider putting a pause in place when spontaneous conflicts occur. Make sure that a set time is put in place for the conversation to resume later. This gives both parties time to consider where this conflict is coming from and if their working models are being activated. When the conversation resumes, it should be a bit easier to find a resolution. 

Use Working Models to Strengthen Your Relationship

We don’t have to make relationships harder than they already are by allowing conflict to linger. Working to understand how we show up, sharing vulnerably, and trying to understand our partner help to improve the overall relationship dynamic.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon said we “should be to move from linear conflict stories to systemic conflict stories.” This means moving from zero-sum thinking where every conflict has a winner and loser to a more nuanced one that provides space for “me”, “you”, and “us”. This allows for the inclusion of working models and encourages us to see the partnership as a single unit that can solve problems together instead of pitting the two sides against each other. 

Conflict is unavoidable in a relationship. The goal of doing this work isn’t to avoid conflict altogether but to help strengthen the relationship. Over time, you will find new ways to work together in creating a loving thriving relationship.